I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
