I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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