Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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