I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
