Joe is yelling at the trees again.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
All I want is dick and wine.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
