Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
