he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
