fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
