theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
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