How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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