the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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