One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
