What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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