Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
