opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
