If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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