I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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