So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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