Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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