Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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