So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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