i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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