Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just threw up on my dentist
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
If I die, sorry about rent.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
