Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
