If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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