Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
