Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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