just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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