I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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