I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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