Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
