How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
