Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
