i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
