Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
