Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
