I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
