I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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