You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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