just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
These tits shall not be calmed
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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