Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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