I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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