i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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