Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
