just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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