Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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