She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
