You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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