Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
