wanna go halves on a baby?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
