Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
