youre lurking in front of me
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
