I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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