I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
